Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Mommy's First Meltdown

My first meltdown happened on Saturday, when she was 5 days old.

The night before had been very rough.  Ray had to go into to work on Saturday, so I volunteered to take her for the night.  She started off not too bad, pretty much what you expect, but then she went crazy.

She was inconsolable.  She was wailing and shaking and red and freaking out.  I tried everything I knew to do (which isn't much).  But nothing could calm her down.  This lasted for 4.5 hours straight.  I felt so bad bad for her and also was so upset with myself that I couldn't help her.

Well, the next morning I was talking to my mom about it and we figured it out . . . .she was hungry.  My milk hadn't come in yet, so she wasn't getting much.  And I couldn't keep feeding her, since I was cracked and bleeding.  Earlier that morning I tried to feed her again and when I looked down, the ni.pple guard was full of blood.  I switch side and that side started bleeding too. 

I was sooo frustrated, tired, and overwhelmed.

Then when we figured out she was hungry, I felt so terrible.  I felt like I was starving my baby.  No wonder she was so upset. 

So at that point I had to feed her formula.  I was nervous about putting her on the bottle and formula, but there was nothing else I could do.  I had tried pumping the night before and only got 1 ounce, so that wouldn't help and I just wanted her to be fed and happy.

Throughout this process I was sobbing.  And I couldn't stop it.  Right when I would calm down, it would start up again. 

I used to read posts like this and think, come on, this isn't your fault, get over it.  But now I get it.  You want things for your baby and whether you mean to or not, if you cause them pain, it feels awful.

Since this ordeal, I have been pumping and letting myself heal up.  So we are doing a 40/60 split of milk and formula.  On Tuesday I tried nursing again and she went for it, but didn't latch right.  So we are going to meet with the lactation consultant on Friday to get that situated.  Otherwise, everything is a bottle feeding right now.  Which I am ok with, since she is full, gaining weight, and happy.


  1. I worry about this all the time- I'm glad you wrote about it. Hang in there, you are doing an amazing job!

  2. Oh hun, it won't be your last one:). This is mommyhood! A bundle of emotions - from sheer happiness to feelings of complete guilt and fear. It is the worst when they are this little though (well, at least in the first year because that is all I have experienced:)). Once they get to be 2 or 3 months and you figure them out a little more (and YOUR hormones are evening out), it gets easier. And breastfeeding is SO hard. I also had to supplement with formula early on for about 6 weeks and then she has been ONLY breastfed since then - so it is possible to go back to that if you so wish. Lactation consultants are seriously angels sent here to help new mommies - everything changed for me after I finally got a good consult with one when Addy was about 6 weeks old. I'm sorry that happened - and yet, I'm not. Because I know, for me, I wanted the WHOLE mommy experience - and part of that is the lows and learning how to get through them with YOUR daughter - ;) . Hang in there, Momma! You're doing GREAT!!!!

  3. You poor thing! Please don't feel bad about the formula/breastfeeding. I COMPLETELY 100% understand because I had a few nights like this too which I think I blogged about. I felt SO incredibly guilty giving Aiden formula and not being able to figure out he was starving! You are doing a great job, remember that Avery won't remember being hungry or any of that, so you have lots of time to figure out how to soothe her and what all her cries mean.

    I did think of a few things that might help (only because I am currently dealing with a lot of these same situations/feelings you are). These things have been currently working for us:

    1. Cloud b Sheep Sleep- sound machine to help soothe baby when they sleep/are falling asleep. OR the T.V. set on a baby channel or white noise! (bought on Amazon!)

    2. (We figured this one out last night during a 4 hour crying fit!) Turn on the kitchen sink and sway in front of it! NO JOKE! This WORKED!

    3. Try "shushing" quietly near Avery's ear

    4. Read (if you have time! lol) Happiest Baby on the Block and when you are ready/want to, Baby Wise is a great book on sleep training/nap times/feeding routines.

    5. Brewer's Yeast and Mother's Milk Tea I think have really helped my milk supply continue to come in. I bought it at a health food store and have also heard that Fenugreek works well also. Just if you need an extra boost!

    6. Aiden LOVES LOVES LOVES being wrapped up and carried around in his Moby wrap. Maybe try a wrap/sling with Avery? Instantly puts him to sleep!

    I hope your body starts healing up soon, I noticed a HUGE change for the positive about 12 days after having Aiden, so I hope things start getting easier for you then and you aren't so sore! Our lactation consultant was amazing help, I hope yours gives you some great answers as well! Hang in there, YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB MOMMY! DON'T GET DISCOURAGED!!! YOU ARE AWESOME!

  4. Hang in there, sister! You are doing the best you can, and you learn something new about Avery every day... it's all a journey! I'm glad you have a plan of how Avery will eat... you're doing great! And, don't beat yourself up about breastfeeding... if it works, great! If not, know that you tried and it's okay.

    And, AWESOME JOB on the weight loss! You look AMAZING!


  5. So glad you're seeing a lactation consultant! Hang in there - you're doing a great job!!!