My first meltdown happened on Saturday, when she was 5 days old.
The night before had been very rough. Ray had to go into to work on Saturday, so I volunteered to take her for the night. She started off not too bad, pretty much what you expect, but then she went crazy.
She was inconsolable. She was wailing and shaking and red and freaking out. I tried everything I knew to do (which isn't much). But nothing could calm her down. This lasted for 4.5 hours straight. I felt so bad bad for her and also was so upset with myself that I couldn't help her.
Well, the next morning I was talking to my mom about it and we figured it out . . . .she was hungry. My milk hadn't come in yet, so she wasn't getting much. And I couldn't keep feeding her, since I was cracked and bleeding. Earlier that morning I tried to feed her again and when I looked down, the ni.pple guard was full of blood. I switch side and that side started bleeding too.
I was sooo frustrated, tired, and overwhelmed.
Then when we figured out she was hungry, I felt so terrible. I felt like I was starving my baby. No wonder she was so upset.
So at that point I had to feed her formula. I was nervous about putting her on the bottle and formula, but there was nothing else I could do. I had tried pumping the night before and only got 1 ounce, so that wouldn't help and I just wanted her to be fed and happy.
Throughout this process I was sobbing. And I couldn't stop it. Right when I would calm down, it would start up again.
I used to read posts like this and think, come on, this isn't your fault, get over it. But now I get it. You want things for your baby and whether you mean to or not, if you cause them pain, it feels awful.
Since this ordeal, I have been pumping and letting myself heal up. So we are doing a 40/60 split of milk and formula. On Tuesday I tried nursing again and she went for it, but didn't latch right. So we are going to meet with the lactation consultant on Friday to get that situated. Otherwise, everything is a bottle feeding right now. Which I am ok with, since she is full, gaining weight, and happy.