Thursday, March 17, 2011

Starting to Believe

I recently created a second blog mostly for family and friends, who honestly I didn't feel comfortable with opening this blog up to them.  This was a post I have been thinking about for a long time and decided to put on our other blog.  I think it is important to share that it isn't easy for everyone to just get pregnant.  And I think of it as my duty to share my journey (or at least the basics of it) with people. 

Every time I tell someone that I am pregnant, I follow it up with, it was a struggle, but we got here.  If they ask more, I give them more detail, if not, I hope that me just saying that resides with them and maybe helps them to realize that there are many people that struggle with fertility.

The following post is probably something many of you all ready know, but since it is related to IF I thought I would share it on here too!

Go Butler Bulldogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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As each week comes and goes, I feel like this pregnancy is more and more real. 

I struggle with believing it because of what it took to get here.

We tried to get pregnant for 18 cycles and were scheduled to go see an infertility specialist in February.  We had countless tests, doctor's appointments, and even an outpatient surgery before we got pregnant.  There were never any answers or reasons that could be found for our troubles getting pregnant.  It was really frustrating and often lonely.

Infertility is something most people don't know much about.  Celion Dion is the only story they know.  And their advice is either just relax or just adopt.  Though you understand it is coming from a good place, these are incredibly ignorant comments.  They also hurt, because these comments imply that your feelings don't matter . . . the just relax comment hurts because it implies you are doing something wrong, rather than that medically there may be a problem, you don't have control over.  And the just adopt comment hurts, because it is assuming that there will be no grief when accepting that you can't carry a baby and that your child won't biologically be yours.  I love adoption and what it has done for some of the people in my life, and had it come to that, I would have adopted (and still might), but people don't take some of the other things into account when saying just adopt.

After struggling and feeling lonely while going through IF (infertility) I found blogging.  I actually used to make fun of bloggers.  They all seemed so self righteous and in love with themselves, by assuming people wanted to know their thoughts on even the most mundane topics.  However, it became my outlet, my source of information, a place of support, and my place to say my true feelings.

I am saying all of this to say that while I have had it MUCH easier in IF than many of my blog friends, it still touches me.  I have been fortunate enough to never miscarry, but I still dread it everyday.  Every time I have a cramp and when I don't have nausea for a day.  I check the toilet paper every time I go to the bathroom to make sure there is no blood.   This is how I am still touched by IF. 

I do believe that if this pregnancy had come easily, I would not have these concerns, but I am no longer naive to the possible outcomes.

Though, as the weeks go on, I feel more and more at ease with this.  And I feel as though I can start to connect more with this baby.  Up until two days ago, I just couldn't connect.  I do this with many things, it is my defense mechanism.

So I can happily say that I am now at a place where I feel comfortable beginning to love my baby.  Now I am talking to it, and rubbing my little bump (not showing yet, but Ray and I can tell).

So excited to be heading into the second trimester and I can't wait for my little blessing to get here in September!!!

5 comments:

  1. This is a great post to share with your friends and family - I'm so impressed that you're doing this! I plan on telling everyone that my baby is an IVF baby - that it took a long time. I want to let people know about infertility, and I also want people to know how much I want this baby!

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  2. What a great post to share with family. I hope they all are understanding.

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  3. So glad the news is starting to sink in! It is pretty surreal... I still don't think about it often enough, because I kind of forget that it's real.

    Great post - so nice to share with friends and family in your real life!

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  4. I am glad you have the courage to open up about it to everyone. I think it is SO important for people to understand what is happening each and every day for some couples.
    I am also happy you can feel connected to your baby now. You deserve the same happiness a fertile woman does. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

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  5. The 2nd tri is awesome in so many ways - enjoy it!

    And I am very open about our infertility journey. I also consider myself a teacher on the subject and hope that my story makes other people think before they make an insensitive comment around another hurting woman without thinking.

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