Sunday, February 27, 2011

It's Over

This morning when I was getting ready for some friends of ours to come over, I felt it.  It felt like the same feeling when you start your period.  I knew before I even made it to the bathroom to check . . . there was blood.  A lot of it and it was bright red.

To be honest, I am surprised at how fast it hit me, usually it takes forever for things to sink in with me (ie my positive pregnancy test).  Maybe I am just pessimistic, maybe it was a gut feeling, instinct, but right then and there I knew no matter what the doctor on call told me, it was over.

She said everything I figured she would . . . .just relax, if it gets worse go to the hospital, etc.

And maybe this is me being stupid, but I am waiting until I can go to my doctor tomorrow morning.  I just can't think of this ending in a place I don't know.  At least I feel comfortable with my doctor.

I have to say I am mourning this in a very odd way.  Sometimes I fine.  I think about how different the summer will be, I think of how it will be nice to sleep again, how I won't have morning sickness all day.  How I need to change my blog, cancel my email parenting subscriptions.

Other times, I just can't stop crying.  How am I going to break the news to my parents?  How am I going to handle Christmas (I would have had a baby by then)?  How can I make it through work without a random outburst of tears?

I don't know what to do.  I guess just wait until it is over.

It is ironic how things work though.  In my last post I said I wanted an ultrasound sooner.  And I will be getting one tomorrow.  I also talked about miscarriages and how difficult they must be.  I wonder if I knew?  I literally write that post less than 48 hours before I started to miscarry.

I will keep you all posted.

9 comments:

  1. Oh no! Ok, first, there are a few reasons why women can bleed like that in early pregnancy that DON'T mean miscarriage. I REALLY hope one of those other reasons is going on for you.

    Second, how you described your grief is exactly how I handled my second miscarriage - it was on and off. Some moments I was looking at the things I would get back (sleep, my body, energy, etc), others I was inconsolably crying and imagining all the awful heart-wrenching days to come. I think that's normal.

    Again, I REALLY REALLY hope that you are having one of those OTHER things that cause bleeding in early pregnancy and that you see that little flickering heart tomorrow. I don't know how you're waiting for the dr tomorrow, but I know it will be a LONG night. I will be thinking of you....(((((HUGS)))).

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  2. Oh no! I hate that you're having bleeding. I'm hoping and praying for you that this isn't the end. There are tons of reasons for bleeding, but I know this is so very scary. Sending you a hug.

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  3. Oh no! I am so sorry you are going through this hun! This breaks my heart :( I will be praying for a miracle for you! I'm here if you need to talk. Hugs!

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  4. I am so, so sorry, and hoping like crazy that this is not a miscarriage. You will definitely be in my prayers tonight and tomorrow.

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  5. I almost started crying when I read this. Okay, well maybe I did a little.

    I am SO so sorry sweetie.

    I am praying with the other girls that this isn't the end for you. It just can't be.

    If by chance it is...we are here. I know there is nothing we can do, but know that you aren't alone and you can process this however you need to.
    I wish I could squeeze you tight right now.
    Thinking of you.

    MissConception

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  6. No, no, no, no....

    My dear friend, my heart is breaking for you. I am so incredibly sorry to hear about this. I am praying for you and hope that you get in to see your doctor tomorrow morning... sometimes, women bleed for no reason, and the baby can be just fine. I am hoping and praying that this is one of those times... it is happening for no reason and the baby is okay.

    Please keep us posted. I wish I could give you hugs in real life.... please know that I am thinking of you!

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  7. Oh no, no, no. My heart sank when I read that. I'm so sorry honey. I totally understand that feeling of "it's over". No matter how many people say, it might be nothing, in your heart you just know. I'm so sorry.

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  8. Oh No...how scary. I am praying that everything is ok even with the bleeding. Hang in there.

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  9. OH NO!!! Please don't let this happen, Lord! I will be praying for you! I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I am seriously crying for you right now. HUGS.

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