Monday, February 28, 2011

Breathing Again

We went in for our appointment at 3:00.  I was a numb/nervous wreck all day.

The first thing we did was an ultrasound.  The woman said the cervix was closed, so I started to relax a little itty bit.

After that she checked out my ovaries and said they look fine.  Then onto the outer lining (?) of my cervix and that is where she found a sub (something) hematoma.  She said she could see the blood and some of it clotting.  She said it was a big one and there must have been a lot of blood, which there was, I mean a lot.

Anyways, somehow she moves on to our baby.  And it was fine.  It was actually kicking like crazy.  She said I was measuring four days ahead and that they might change my due date.

Literally she is saying all of this and I am just staring dumbstruck at the monitor.  I am not being dramatic, or over the top (I am an insanely literal person and very realistic) I still couldn't believe that I still had my baby.

I swear to you, Ray and I had deleted our phone apps, moved the two baby items I have bought to the back of a closet we never use, and had all ready made our short list of people we had to "u-ntell".  I couldn't believe that someone could bleed that much and not have lost her baby.

The tech just kept saying look at that baby, your baby, but she got nothing from me except true shock.  Ray did cry and he was a little shocked.  But I am thinking she is sure that I am crazy.

Anyways, they said this is somewhat normal, but that they would need to monitor the hematoma and if it grew, that it could end the pregnancy.  For now, no straining, no sex (that wasn't happening anyways), and no vacuuming (random I know).

I do want to take a moment and and say the BIGGEST THANK YOU ever to all of you.  Each of your comments brought tears to my eyes.  I have always thought of you as supportive, but I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be in your thoughts and prayers.

I am so blessed and one of my blessings is such a supportive community.  Thank you again.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

It's Over

This morning when I was getting ready for some friends of ours to come over, I felt it.  It felt like the same feeling when you start your period.  I knew before I even made it to the bathroom to check . . . there was blood.  A lot of it and it was bright red.

To be honest, I am surprised at how fast it hit me, usually it takes forever for things to sink in with me (ie my positive pregnancy test).  Maybe I am just pessimistic, maybe it was a gut feeling, instinct, but right then and there I knew no matter what the doctor on call told me, it was over.

She said everything I figured she would . . . .just relax, if it gets worse go to the hospital, etc.

And maybe this is me being stupid, but I am waiting until I can go to my doctor tomorrow morning.  I just can't think of this ending in a place I don't know.  At least I feel comfortable with my doctor.

I have to say I am mourning this in a very odd way.  Sometimes I fine.  I think about how different the summer will be, I think of how it will be nice to sleep again, how I won't have morning sickness all day.  How I need to change my blog, cancel my email parenting subscriptions.

Other times, I just can't stop crying.  How am I going to break the news to my parents?  How am I going to handle Christmas (I would have had a baby by then)?  How can I make it through work without a random outburst of tears?

I don't know what to do.  I guess just wait until it is over.

It is ironic how things work though.  In my last post I said I wanted an ultrasound sooner.  And I will be getting one tomorrow.  I also talked about miscarriages and how difficult they must be.  I wonder if I knew?  I literally write that post less than 48 hours before I started to miscarry.

I will keep you all posted.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Two More Weeks

There are TONS of benefits to getting pregnant on our own . . . . .
more "fun"
bigger surprise

Here is the drawback . . . . . 
I have to wait until 18 weeks to see an ultrasound of my baby
And I have to wait until 12 weeks to hear the heartbeat

Again, I know how fortunate I am, truly I do.

But as we have all ready established, I am crazy impatient.

And one other wonderful gift IF bestows upon you is complete lack of naivety.

I know the possible outcomes, I have heard the heart wrenching stories surrounding miscarriages.  And I still check the toilet paper every time I wipe.  Because I am terrified.  I am so scared that I will have to endure that loss.

One thing I always counted myself lucky on during the IF journey is not having to have experienced the heartbreak of miscarriage.  Those of you who have are incredibly strong people to continue to try again.  I truly don't know if I am that strong.

So I want to take a moment to send hugs out to everyone who has ever gone through a miscarriage (or a failed adoption).  You women are so strong and I admire you sooo much.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Sorry it's been so long!

Wow, it has been over a week since I last posted!

Sorry about that, I have been crazy between a business trip and either severe morning sickness (that resulted in a 26 hour straight puke fest) or the stomach flu.  We aren't sure, but either way, it wasn't pretty.

I also had my first OB appointment yesterday.  It was pretty boring.  I go to this great office that is attached to the hospital and they have everything down to a tee.  So though they get things done (I mean they have EVERYTHING imaginable on site) they don't bend the rules.  So no matter how much I begged (which wasn't much because I was just trying not to vomit) they wouldn't do an ultrasound.

So she just told me a million things that I have all ready read about and gave me a million pamphlets.  Other than that, she gave me a prescription for Finigran (suppositories, unfortunately).

I am excited about the classes that the hospital offers . . . .
What to do with baby when you get home
Preparing daddy-to-be
Breastfeeding (which I will try, but I won't be devastated if it doesn't turn out)
Birthing Classes

We have decided not to test for Downs Syndrome, since we wouldn't terminate either way.

I can say I am finally feeling better, other than that uncomfortable feeling from the suppository.

I am just now catching up on everyone's blogs, sorry for the lack of commenting!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!!!!

In honor of my love, Ray, I am posting our wedding pics!  Thanks Yolk for such a great idea!!!

Ray is the best and I really doubt I could have gone through all of the ups and downs of the last nine years without him.

Here are his best qualities (in my opinion)
1. He is funny (sometimes in the cruel way that I am in my head, but he says it out loud and it makes me not feel so evil).
2. He is laid back, he has helped me to calm down and relax.
3. He is the most loyal person I have ever met, for God's sake, he worked at Target for 10 years!!!
4. He is just someone you want to be around.
5. He is a guy's guy in terms of video games and sports, but not in terms of being a partner in our marriage.  He knows I have a weak stomach and he cleans the bathrooms and kitty litter.  Also, I cook most every night, and he does the dishes.  Even when he cooks, he does the dishes.

He is just the best guy out there for me and I can't believe we have been together for nine years, but they have all been great!!!!!

Friday, February 11, 2011

Filter Free Friday

In honor of Filter Free Friday, I am going to talk about what had been on my mind most in the past week. . . . . my fears.

I have always been a bit of a worrier, but I think it has gotten worse in the last two years (mostly due to IF taking away my naivety ((sp?)))

These are some of my fears in the past week
-Will I carry this baby to term?
-Will I barf on my boss?
-When should I tell my boss (before or after I barf on him)?
-Was I so obsessed with getting pregnant that I didn't fully think about "having" a baby" and now I am scared to be a mom?
-Will I offend a blog friend by complaining about my hives?
-Will I kill someone with my dirty looks (they are scary and I have been giving them out like crazy)?
-Will I get sick during my business trip next week?

That pretty much sums it up.

By the way I did tell my boss this week, as I have been getting sick in the morning and I would rather tell him before he figures it out.  When I told him, he choked on his Rice Krispy Treat, but managed to spit out, congratulations.  Then he stopped himself and said, "Wait, were you planning this?"  I all most blurted out, no I have been trying to plan it for over 20 months, but we got lucky this time!

So once he realized we were trying for this he was happy for me and very nice!

That was my week in a nutshell, I can't wait to do nothing this weekend but hang out with Hubs.  We are celebrating Valentine's Day by watching Love Actually and having an ice cream sundae bar!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Feeling Better

After four tubes of anti itch cream, six oatmeal baths and more cold showers than I care to count . . . .  I am feeling better!
Thanks everyone for your comments, I am incredibly grateful to be pregnant and didn't want to complain, but WOW that was painful!!!!

I am excited for some other bloggers out, there are some great things happening . . . .
court dates set for adoption
fundraising efforts to help those afford adoption and IVF
Bridget got a great beta yesterday (today?)
And the 2ww beginning

I really appreciate all of your support through our journey and am so appreciative of the continued support!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Week 6 was not so good

I started off week 6 thinking it might be a tough week, as that is when morning sickness usually creeps in (for most women, I would have no idea as this is my first time pregnant).

However, it was much worse than I even expected.  I am 1 in 200 pregnant women who gets hives during pregnancy because of my hormonal changes.

Again, don't get me wrong, I know it will all be worth it, but in the here and now, this sucks.

I am exhausted and nauseous and now itchy and swollen.  Literally my pants don't fit, my hips have swollen so much from the reaction that I have to wear my huge sweatpants or my husband's clothes.  I haven't been able to sleep because I am woken up by the itching.

I went to urgent care (because my ob's computer system was down and they can't take appointments without their computers???? that was annoying).  And the doctor said . . . you have hives, and you can't really do anything about it, except wait it out.  He said I can put topical cream on it and take oatmeal baths, but that that won't help much. 

I don't mean to complain, but it has been awful.  My eyelids were all most swollen shut yesterday and it is on my palms and the bottom of my feet, so it really hurts to walk.  It is getting better, but I do hope that this doesn't last all the way through my pregnancy.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and is bouncing back ok from all of the ice and snow!