Tuesday, December 28, 2010

2010 Wrap Up

My Mom and step dad are coming to visit tomorrow.  They will be here until the 4th, so this will probably be the last post of the year for me.

So many things to think about . . .

1. I really hope my mom doesn't want to talk about IF too much.  She typically doesn't say anything about it over the phone, but when she has a few glasses of wine in her and we are face-to-face, that is a different story.
2. I am really looking forward to ending 2010.  We were trying for 6 months in 2009, but it wasn't anything overwhelming or a huge focus.  I started to get worried in early 2010, so this year was really the one that I associate with IF.
3. There is a part of me that is scared for 2011, I have a feeling it will be a year full of decisions.  When do we take the next step of going to an RE?  How many more tests do we do?  When and how many IUIs do we do?  Should we do a lap?  At what point to we move to adoption (we aren't interested in IVF at all).
4. I do have hope that 2011 will be a good year (and hopefully involve a baby).  On the other hand, I have this feeling that 2011 will not be the end of the road for us, I think it will lead us to our baby in 2012.  Is that crazy?  It is just this intuition/feeling thing I have.

And since I am skipping straight into the New Year, here are a few of my resolutions . . . .
1. Be more active.  This isn't as much about losing weight as it is to just put more focus on having daily activity.
2. Stay in touch with family and friends better.  In the last year, I have really sucked at staying in touch.
3. Be more patient, this involves many things . . . . with my husband, with POAS, my dog, etc.
4. I would really like to focus less (in a day-to-day sense) on IF and focus on more positive, upbeat things.

Lastly, I want to thank all of you!  I am so grateful I stumbled into this IF blogging world.  I really don't know where I would be without the support and the knowledge that I am not crazy (or at least everyone else who is going through IF is just as crazy as I am).  I typically get along better with guys than girls and all of my girlfriends have no problems getting pregnant, so I really would have felt incredibly lonely without this outlet.

Thanks again and I wish all of you a Happy New Year's and everything crossed that 2011 is our year ladies!!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas and F You IF

I am very excited for our Christmas plans!  Two of my stepbrothers are with their dad this year on Christmas, so we are doing things a little differently.

Tonight the hubs and I are going to watch all three Twilight movies (since I know he bought me Eclipse) and open our presents to each other.

We are sleeping in tomorrow and then meeting my Dad and stepmom for a movie.  Afterwards we are going back to their house and eating, drinking (a lot), playing games, and sitting in the hot tub (DH has super sperm and this is our favorite holiday activity, so F you infertility and your rules, we WILL be doing what we want this Christmas including drinking and sitting in the hot tub).

Then the day after Christmas we will be celebrating because my brothers will be back home!

Also, I am taking this chance to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and congratulate those of you who got your BFP this year and continue to wish and pray for those of us that are holding out hope for 2011!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Well there goes my Christmas Miracle

So AF arrived yesterday morning.  I was really hoping that this was my month.

I had a hard time last night, I cried at the new Foldgers commercial where the brother comes home from Africa or where ever. 

Then I decided to snap out of it.  Today was my last day at work until Monday, and then I am taking next Wednesday through the following Monday off because my Mom is coming to visit!

I decided to snap out of it because Christmas is my favorite holiday . . . .and I have let IF impact too much in my life all ready. 

2011 is a new year with new hope and new chances.  I read one of my favorite blogs by Faith and one of her more recent posts is about how Christmas 2009 she was grieving her recent miscarriage and this year she has a beautiful baby boy through adoption and a little girl on the way.

I am not saying I expect two babies next year, but it does go to show how much can change in a year!!!

Also, I want to make a quick comment on the newest 16 and Pregnant.  The one where the girl makes an adoption plan, follows through (but only for a few days), then decides to parent (but only for a few weeks).  Then she goes back to her original plan.  Oddly, I am very grateful that MTV showed this side of adoption. 

I have never been a part of an adoption, but this one seemed to show a pretty accurate picture.  Mostly in the sense of how difficult it is for the birth mother.  I also liked this one, because the birth mother was given guidance, but I still felt like she was given the choice.

Anyways, thought I would update everyone on my 18th straight BFN.

Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Welcome ICLW

Welcome to my blog!  I have been writing for two-three months and TTC for 18 cycles.

Quick version- My DH and I had been trying for just over a year and then went to the Dr. to see what the problem was.  Well, multiple tests and months later, we still have no answer.  We are currently trying to decide between a few more months of TTC naturally and starting IUI.

I feel for those with a bad diagnosis, but there are times, I just wish we had an answer, a plan, a new approach. 

And honestly, there are times, that I think is this worth it?  Physically, there is no difference between a year and a half ago when we we were just happy being a couple and enjoying life, and now.  Other than there is now a desire to be a parent and I feel like my whole life revolves around this one desire. 

Join me as we travel down this crazy road!  Leave a comment, so I can be sure to check out your blog as well!

Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Last Chance in 2010

This cycle has been a weird one. 

I tested positive on my OPK (I am very lucky, I have never had a problem with that) on cd15 (I all most always ovulate on day 15 or 16).

We BDed like crazy.  For the last year we have tried the every other day thing, but then I decided to go back to the every day or twice a day routine.

My 2ww has followed my typical symptoms pretty closely.  But the weird thing is that they are the same symptoms, just A LOT stronger.  I have had cramping, TONS of gas (gross I know), super tired, and a really sore back.

I am not getting my hopes up (ok, I lied, I always get my hopes up), but it has been weird.

This cycle has so much more riding on it.  It is Christmastime (I should know for sure on 12.20.10) and I will get to see my Mom at the end of the month.  Wouldn't it be amazing to tell her in person?????

This will mark our second Christmas of trying for a baby.  I know compared to some it is not very long at all.  It's just that we don't have any answers . . . that and the fact that my DH hasn't bought into trying IUI, because technically there is nothing wrong (that we know of).  And in some ways, I agree with him.

I guess I just feel like we are another year in, $3000 less in our savings, and truly no closer to baby.

So yes, I do have my hopes up and I feel pretty sure that we will have the same result.

I am going to test on Saturday 12dpo.  I think it will be better to get my answer then.  I know it is only two days later, but Monday is the same week as Christmas and I just don't want potential bad news that close to my favorite holiday.

I am hoping and praying that someone in IF land gets their Christmas miracle!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Well, I passed!

So I am soooo happy to report that I passed my test!  Thanks to everyone for the support and good luck wishes!  It's nice to know that there are some test that you CAN control!!!!

Other than that, I have had a great weekend and now it is time to relax!!!  It is snowing too hard to be driving around looking at lights, so we are staying home and ordering pizza!

Other than that, I don't have much else to say, except that I read something today that I think is an incredibly accurate depiction of some of my fears in this journey. 

I have always known that if we can't conceive, we will try to adopt.  I know that everyone has very different feelings about this and that it isn't easy to transition from TTC to adopting.  There are many emotions and experiences that you will have to grieve and let go of.  However, in the end, either way you are still a mother  And I believe that adoption is a very beautiful thing.

That being said, in this post, Making me Mom details the things that she is is afraid of losing out on if she isn't able to conceive.  Some you can still experience through adoption and some you can't.  Either way, it is very powerful.

Friday, December 10, 2010

This test doesn't involve pink lines, but it is still scary

I don't know why I set myself up for disaster.

As you know, last weekend was a busy one (planning my company's Christmas party, a family get together, and Christmas Tea). 

Well this week I didn't do any better for myself.  I had my brother's girlfriend's birthday party on Wednesday, a wonderful Christmas dinner planned with great friends (I am making an Apple Brie Spinach Salad and Chocolate Mousse) on Satuday, and my Dad's birthday brunch and driving around looking at lights on Sunday.

Sounds like fun . . . . right?

Well it would be, if I hadn't also scheduled myself to take this HUGE test, also on Saturday.  P.S. It is 4.5 hours long!!!!!!!!

This test is one that certifies me as a professional in my field.  I used my trusty friend Google and found out the pass rate for this is 52%.  Not great stats for me (or anyone, I guess).  My boss was great and gave me two paid days off (without using vaca or anything) to study and it has helped, but still I am nervous.

This test was expensive to take (and study for).  I have been studying (not hard) for the last few months and really hard for the last few weeks.  If I don't pass it, I have to wait until June to try again.

Also, I have a secret to share . . . .I will know if I passed or failed before I leave the test.  You all and DH are the only ones that know that.  I am sooooo nervous about getting the results that I have failed and having a million fun activities and being a party pooper the whole time.

What does this sound like . . . . BFN???  I can't even escape IF feelings IRL.

Wish me luck.  I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Random Things

So a few random things today!!! 

First, I wanted to show you all pictures of my company's Christmas Party.  It was fun and everything I had hoped it would be.  Part of the reason I wanted to show it to you is because I planned the whole thing and I am really proud of how it turned out!  Here are some of my pre party pictures!

This place is essentially bare before you decorate it, so it was amazing to see it come together!

This is the dinner area.

 This is the club section around the dance floor!

 More seating around the dance floor.

 Some of the food, this is the setup for the mashed potato bar!

More of the dinner area!

The DJ setup, the TVs played music videos and  showed the crowd dancing as well.

This is the cocktail area!

This is the bar setup area, it's hard to see, but the liquors we were serving are showcased.

This is the bar area!

 More of the stage for the DJ, this guy is awesome, we have to fly him in, because our companies' owner loves him so much!

A view from the dance floor!

 A picture of Hubs and I.  I wish we had gotten a full length one, because I have such a cute dress, but oh well!

 We always get a hotel room for the party.  Partially, so we can drink and not worry about driving and partially because I have to go check on the setup so many times on the day of the party!  Here are the views from our room!

This is the new arena that was just built, pretty cool looking!
Another random note, it snowed here all weekend and I LOVE IT!!!!!  I like the snow, especially when it is on the ground but the streets are still safe to drive.  Here is a picture of our house covered in snow.  I think snow makes everything look prettier!

Another random note, since I am trying not to make this blog ALL about IF.  I love the NFL, I also love Fantasy Football.  Just a few random things, so that this is not just a sad blog.

Of course I can't blog with at least an update on the IF front. 
This is our last natural cycle for a while.  In January we are going to start 3 unmonitored Clomid cycles.  I still have to get the script from my OBGYN, but she suggested it earlier when she took bloodwork at the wrong time, so I don't think she is against it.  Then if that doesn't work I am hoping to start IUIs.  The hubs isn't 100% on board with that yet (he is with the IUI, but not the timing).

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and I am praying for all of you that are trying for your holiday miracle.  We will find out how our last natural cycle goes by the 22nd.  I am a little worried about that.  I don't want to invest too much in this cycle and be sad.disappointed at Christmas (my FAVORITE holiday).  I guess we will see.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My First Bloggie Award!

Thanks to Lisa and Katie I got my first award!  If you haven't all ready, go check out Lisa's blog (she has a great blog about her journey and is very insightful).  And Katie's too (Katie gives great insight on battling unexplained infertility and puts great recipes in her blog as well)!!!

I am passing this award onto 5 of my favorite bloggers!
You Wouldn't Even Make an Omelet with Stale Eggs
Still A Guest Room
Our Stork Isn't Great with Directions
Nurture Your Hopes
My Dusty Uterus

Here are the rules: Link back to the person who awarded you, and then pick five blogs to pass on the award too. Make sure to comment on the awarded blogs so they know they've been picked.