Tuesday, December 28, 2010

2010 Wrap Up

My Mom and step dad are coming to visit tomorrow.  They will be here until the 4th, so this will probably be the last post of the year for me.

So many things to think about . . .

1. I really hope my mom doesn't want to talk about IF too much.  She typically doesn't say anything about it over the phone, but when she has a few glasses of wine in her and we are face-to-face, that is a different story.
2. I am really looking forward to ending 2010.  We were trying for 6 months in 2009, but it wasn't anything overwhelming or a huge focus.  I started to get worried in early 2010, so this year was really the one that I associate with IF.
3. There is a part of me that is scared for 2011, I have a feeling it will be a year full of decisions.  When do we take the next step of going to an RE?  How many more tests do we do?  When and how many IUIs do we do?  Should we do a lap?  At what point to we move to adoption (we aren't interested in IVF at all).
4. I do have hope that 2011 will be a good year (and hopefully involve a baby).  On the other hand, I have this feeling that 2011 will not be the end of the road for us, I think it will lead us to our baby in 2012.  Is that crazy?  It is just this intuition/feeling thing I have.

And since I am skipping straight into the New Year, here are a few of my resolutions . . . .
1. Be more active.  This isn't as much about losing weight as it is to just put more focus on having daily activity.
2. Stay in touch with family and friends better.  In the last year, I have really sucked at staying in touch.
3. Be more patient, this involves many things . . . . with my husband, with POAS, my dog, etc.
4. I would really like to focus less (in a day-to-day sense) on IF and focus on more positive, upbeat things.

Lastly, I want to thank all of you!  I am so grateful I stumbled into this IF blogging world.  I really don't know where I would be without the support and the knowledge that I am not crazy (or at least everyone else who is going through IF is just as crazy as I am).  I typically get along better with guys than girls and all of my girlfriends have no problems getting pregnant, so I really would have felt incredibly lonely without this outlet.

Thanks again and I wish all of you a Happy New Year's and everything crossed that 2011 is our year ladies!!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas and F You IF

I am very excited for our Christmas plans!  Two of my stepbrothers are with their dad this year on Christmas, so we are doing things a little differently.

Tonight the hubs and I are going to watch all three Twilight movies (since I know he bought me Eclipse) and open our presents to each other.

We are sleeping in tomorrow and then meeting my Dad and stepmom for a movie.  Afterwards we are going back to their house and eating, drinking (a lot), playing games, and sitting in the hot tub (DH has super sperm and this is our favorite holiday activity, so F you infertility and your rules, we WILL be doing what we want this Christmas including drinking and sitting in the hot tub).

Then the day after Christmas we will be celebrating because my brothers will be back home!

Also, I am taking this chance to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and congratulate those of you who got your BFP this year and continue to wish and pray for those of us that are holding out hope for 2011!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Well there goes my Christmas Miracle

So AF arrived yesterday morning.  I was really hoping that this was my month.

I had a hard time last night, I cried at the new Foldgers commercial where the brother comes home from Africa or where ever. 

Then I decided to snap out of it.  Today was my last day at work until Monday, and then I am taking next Wednesday through the following Monday off because my Mom is coming to visit!

I decided to snap out of it because Christmas is my favorite holiday . . . .and I have let IF impact too much in my life all ready. 

2011 is a new year with new hope and new chances.  I read one of my favorite blogs by Faith and one of her more recent posts is about how Christmas 2009 she was grieving her recent miscarriage and this year she has a beautiful baby boy through adoption and a little girl on the way.

I am not saying I expect two babies next year, but it does go to show how much can change in a year!!!

Also, I want to make a quick comment on the newest 16 and Pregnant.  The one where the girl makes an adoption plan, follows through (but only for a few days), then decides to parent (but only for a few weeks).  Then she goes back to her original plan.  Oddly, I am very grateful that MTV showed this side of adoption. 

I have never been a part of an adoption, but this one seemed to show a pretty accurate picture.  Mostly in the sense of how difficult it is for the birth mother.  I also liked this one, because the birth mother was given guidance, but I still felt like she was given the choice.

Anyways, thought I would update everyone on my 18th straight BFN.

Merry Christmas!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Welcome ICLW

Welcome to my blog!  I have been writing for two-three months and TTC for 18 cycles.

Quick version- My DH and I had been trying for just over a year and then went to the Dr. to see what the problem was.  Well, multiple tests and months later, we still have no answer.  We are currently trying to decide between a few more months of TTC naturally and starting IUI.

I feel for those with a bad diagnosis, but there are times, I just wish we had an answer, a plan, a new approach. 

And honestly, there are times, that I think is this worth it?  Physically, there is no difference between a year and a half ago when we we were just happy being a couple and enjoying life, and now.  Other than there is now a desire to be a parent and I feel like my whole life revolves around this one desire. 

Join me as we travel down this crazy road!  Leave a comment, so I can be sure to check out your blog as well!

Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Last Chance in 2010

This cycle has been a weird one. 

I tested positive on my OPK (I am very lucky, I have never had a problem with that) on cd15 (I all most always ovulate on day 15 or 16).

We BDed like crazy.  For the last year we have tried the every other day thing, but then I decided to go back to the every day or twice a day routine.

My 2ww has followed my typical symptoms pretty closely.  But the weird thing is that they are the same symptoms, just A LOT stronger.  I have had cramping, TONS of gas (gross I know), super tired, and a really sore back.

I am not getting my hopes up (ok, I lied, I always get my hopes up), but it has been weird.

This cycle has so much more riding on it.  It is Christmastime (I should know for sure on 12.20.10) and I will get to see my Mom at the end of the month.  Wouldn't it be amazing to tell her in person?????

This will mark our second Christmas of trying for a baby.  I know compared to some it is not very long at all.  It's just that we don't have any answers . . . that and the fact that my DH hasn't bought into trying IUI, because technically there is nothing wrong (that we know of).  And in some ways, I agree with him.

I guess I just feel like we are another year in, $3000 less in our savings, and truly no closer to baby.

So yes, I do have my hopes up and I feel pretty sure that we will have the same result.

I am going to test on Saturday 12dpo.  I think it will be better to get my answer then.  I know it is only two days later, but Monday is the same week as Christmas and I just don't want potential bad news that close to my favorite holiday.

I am hoping and praying that someone in IF land gets their Christmas miracle!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Well, I passed!

So I am soooo happy to report that I passed my test!  Thanks to everyone for the support and good luck wishes!  It's nice to know that there are some test that you CAN control!!!!

Other than that, I have had a great weekend and now it is time to relax!!!  It is snowing too hard to be driving around looking at lights, so we are staying home and ordering pizza!

Other than that, I don't have much else to say, except that I read something today that I think is an incredibly accurate depiction of some of my fears in this journey. 

I have always known that if we can't conceive, we will try to adopt.  I know that everyone has very different feelings about this and that it isn't easy to transition from TTC to adopting.  There are many emotions and experiences that you will have to grieve and let go of.  However, in the end, either way you are still a mother  And I believe that adoption is a very beautiful thing.

That being said, in this post, Making me Mom details the things that she is is afraid of losing out on if she isn't able to conceive.  Some you can still experience through adoption and some you can't.  Either way, it is very powerful.

Friday, December 10, 2010

This test doesn't involve pink lines, but it is still scary

I don't know why I set myself up for disaster.

As you know, last weekend was a busy one (planning my company's Christmas party, a family get together, and Christmas Tea). 

Well this week I didn't do any better for myself.  I had my brother's girlfriend's birthday party on Wednesday, a wonderful Christmas dinner planned with great friends (I am making an Apple Brie Spinach Salad and Chocolate Mousse) on Satuday, and my Dad's birthday brunch and driving around looking at lights on Sunday.

Sounds like fun . . . . right?

Well it would be, if I hadn't also scheduled myself to take this HUGE test, also on Saturday.  P.S. It is 4.5 hours long!!!!!!!!

This test is one that certifies me as a professional in my field.  I used my trusty friend Google and found out the pass rate for this is 52%.  Not great stats for me (or anyone, I guess).  My boss was great and gave me two paid days off (without using vaca or anything) to study and it has helped, but still I am nervous.

This test was expensive to take (and study for).  I have been studying (not hard) for the last few months and really hard for the last few weeks.  If I don't pass it, I have to wait until June to try again.

Also, I have a secret to share . . . .I will know if I passed or failed before I leave the test.  You all and DH are the only ones that know that.  I am sooooo nervous about getting the results that I have failed and having a million fun activities and being a party pooper the whole time.

What does this sound like . . . . BFN???  I can't even escape IF feelings IRL.

Wish me luck.  I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Random Things

So a few random things today!!! 

First, I wanted to show you all pictures of my company's Christmas Party.  It was fun and everything I had hoped it would be.  Part of the reason I wanted to show it to you is because I planned the whole thing and I am really proud of how it turned out!  Here are some of my pre party pictures!

This place is essentially bare before you decorate it, so it was amazing to see it come together!

 
This is the dinner area.

 This is the club section around the dance floor!

 More seating around the dance floor.

 Some of the food, this is the setup for the mashed potato bar!

More of the dinner area!

The DJ setup, the TVs played music videos and  showed the crowd dancing as well.

This is the cocktail area!

This is the bar setup area, it's hard to see, but the liquors we were serving are showcased.

This is the bar area!

 More of the stage for the DJ, this guy is awesome, we have to fly him in, because our companies' owner loves him so much!

A view from the dance floor!

 A picture of Hubs and I.  I wish we had gotten a full length one, because I have such a cute dress, but oh well!

 We always get a hotel room for the party.  Partially, so we can drink and not worry about driving and partially because I have to go check on the setup so many times on the day of the party!  Here are the views from our room!

This is the new arena that was just built, pretty cool looking!
Another random note, it snowed here all weekend and I LOVE IT!!!!!  I like the snow, especially when it is on the ground but the streets are still safe to drive.  Here is a picture of our house covered in snow.  I think snow makes everything look prettier!

Another random note, since I am trying not to make this blog ALL about IF.  I love the NFL, I also love Fantasy Football.  Just a few random things, so that this is not just a sad blog.

Of course I can't blog with at least an update on the IF front. 
This is our last natural cycle for a while.  In January we are going to start 3 unmonitored Clomid cycles.  I still have to get the script from my OBGYN, but she suggested it earlier when she took bloodwork at the wrong time, so I don't think she is against it.  Then if that doesn't work I am hoping to start IUIs.  The hubs isn't 100% on board with that yet (he is with the IUI, but not the timing).

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and I am praying for all of you that are trying for your holiday miracle.  We will find out how our last natural cycle goes by the 22nd.  I am a little worried about that.  I don't want to invest too much in this cycle and be sad.disappointed at Christmas (my FAVORITE holiday).  I guess we will see.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My First Bloggie Award!

Thanks to Lisa and Katie I got my first award!  If you haven't all ready, go check out Lisa's blog (she has a great blog about her journey and is very insightful).  And Katie's too (Katie gives great insight on battling unexplained infertility and puts great recipes in her blog as well)!!!


I am passing this award onto 5 of my favorite bloggers!
You Wouldn't Even Make an Omelet with Stale Eggs
Still A Guest Room
Our Stork Isn't Great with Directions
Nurture Your Hopes
My Dusty Uterus

Here are the rules: Link back to the person who awarded you, and then pick five blogs to pass on the award too. Make sure to comment on the awarded blogs so they know they've been picked.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Random

A few things that I have been up to lately . . . . .


Shopping Online, I LOVE Cyber Monday!

Working, we have been very busy lately (which is a good thing)

Pondering an unmonitored medicated cycle.

Getting ready for our company's Christmas Party, we go ALL out!  This year we are having it at a museum that will be decorated to look like a club!  I have my dress and figured out how I am doing my hair, so now I am ready to go!


                    Photo Courtesy of The Frazier Museum


I also have my friend's church's Christmas Tea, which I love!  Here are some pictures from last year's candy dreams theme, this year it will be Charles Dickens (I am soooo excited), I will post pics this weekend!


                   My Picture from Last Year, Amazing Isn't It?


These are some of our decorations!



And listening to Christmas music!  Unfortunately this morning they were playing that Wham Christmas song on the radio and I still have not been able to get it out of my head!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Little Reminders

Overall I had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend!  We had some great family time, relaxation, and friend time!

However, I still had those little reminders, no matter how hard I tried to avoid/ignore them.

First on Wednesday night we went out with friends, two couples.  One couple with a 1.5 year old and the other with a 6 month old.  They don't know about us "trying", so I smiled and kept my game face on, but this is a quick summary. . . .
1. Somehow one of the girls must have misheard something and said Oh my god, you're pregnant, congratulations and then everyone else chimed in.  I truly do not know where she got this from, but she heard it in her head.  So I spent the next 20 minutes explaining to people that no, I was not pregnant.
2. Another girl kept telling me how she wished she hadn't have waited so long to have a baby and what a joy her baby is.
Again, I am not mad or frustrated with them, they have NO idea that we are trying.  In fact, they think we want to wait a while longer (because up until 1.5 years ago, we did and have never told anyone anything different).  But it was still a little hard, just because I wanted to have a night of fun, rather than think about all that.

On Thanksgiving day, my brother's girlfriend brought it up.  She also has no idea, so no fault, but just something I didn't want to talk about.

Today, my best friend's daughter's birthday party.  This time no one said anything or made any any remarks to me, but it was a little hard, because when you think of having children you think of their birthdays and Christmas, and Disneyworld.  So it was just one more reminder.

I am not in a bad place, but I guess just a little worn down.  And it's one more reminder of why I have recently (about a year) become a hermit.

And maybe you are wondering why I have not told so many people.  I don't like having to deal with the types of above mentioned comments, but I would rather put my brave face on and laugh through it than have people handle me with kiddie gloves or pity me or make decisions about what I can and can't handle.  Also, I feel like if they make these comments and don't know, then I won't be mad at them.  BUT if they do know and act like an asshole or be ignorant, then I know my feelings will be hurt and I will be mad at them.

I hope no one has any horror stories from this holiday weekend!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thankful for . . . . . .

I am caving in and doing the Thankful post.  I do have a lot to be thankful for, I just have been so busy lately that I haven't had the chance to think about it.

I am thankful for
1. My husband, he is the best.  He knows how to handle my moods, can always make me laugh, and never judges me (no matter how awful, ridiculous, or feisty I am being).
2. I am thankful for my family.  We are pretty close knit.  I live very close to three of my brothers, dad, and step mom.  Unfortunately, my mom, step dad, and other brother are in Virginia.  Though I am grateful that we are able to visit often.
3. I am thankful for our house, I am very proud to have become a homeowner at a young age.
4. I am thankful for both Ray and I having jobs.  The economy is tough and I am glad we both have jobs that we enjoy (for the most part)!!
5. I am grateful my two kitties and pups!  They know how to cheer me up!
6. I am grateful for the ability to travel.
7. I am grateful for both mine and Ray's and my families' health.
8. I am grateful for the support, insight, and information I get from blogger, this is better and cheaper than therapy!
9. I am grateful my step mom is such a good cook, tomorrow we are having individual Cornish game hens with a cranberry glaze and oyster stuffing, mmmmm!

Hopefully I can add a baby to that list next year for me and some of you!

Happy thanksgiving!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Next Steps?????

It is so hard to decide what your next steps are going to be when going through IF, especially unexplained IF.  I can appreciate that we have only been going through this for a short while, compared to many other bloggers out there.  But it is still tough to make such large decisions, with such little information.

So far we have ruled out all of the main factors except for endo.  I do think I have endo, but not severe enough to go straight to a lap.  I have the heavy, long periods, TONS of cramping, major lower back pain when on my period, etc.  But since nothing was showing as damaged in my HSG or ultrasounds, there shouldn't be a HUGE concern, should there?

Also, should we just dive into IUI or keep trying on our own for awhile, since we could just be, as my doctor calls it, unlucky?

There is a part of me that thinks Clomid for the next three months might not be a bad idea, but since I have no trouble ovulating, would Clomid really be worth trying?

Sorry for the whining, I am on CD2 and sad and hormonal and confused.  I guess I am off to visit Dr. Google to get some of these questions answered!!!!!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

November ICLW

Welcome to anyone who is reading this for ICLW.  I have only been blogging for about 6 weeks or so, but have been reading IF blogs for about six months now!

I realized how helpful reading blogs have been, so I decided to start writing one!

Here is a short version of our story. . . . .

DH and I dated for five years (exactly) before getting married on 5.12.07.  We wanted to enjoy marriage, focus on careers, travel and have fun before TTC. 

We started in July of 2009 (we waited until after our annual DMB concert).  Now 17 cycles later we are still trying.  We have been through the basic tests, blood work, ultrasounds, two SAs, HSG, and a visit with the Urologist.  So far nothing. 

Our plan is to have DH test for DNA Fragmentation and take male pre-natals.  We will probably try Clomid in January and February and if nothing then, do IUI in April or May.

That's about it!  Thanks for stopping by!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Have I Mentioed I Love Rachael Ray?

In an effort to not make this a blog just about infertility, I thought I would talk about some of the recipes I have tried and liked!

I plan my dinner menus out two to three weeks in advance (I am anal and Type A, I know).  Anyways each week I try to make one "new" dinner or bake something.  These have been my past few attempts and they were all delicious!

Lemon Chicken Fricassee with Biscuit Topping
This was delicious, but a bit too lemony for Ray, next time, I will use the juice of half the lemon.


I was so proud of my homemade biscuits, that I actually took my own picture!


Bean Taquitos with Cucumber Salsa
This was wonderful too, the only I did different was added browned ground turkey with taco seasoning.  Ray is a meat guy and would not have been happy without it!

                                                         Courtesy of Everyday with Rachael Ray
Light As Air Chocolate Mousse
Also delicious, the magazine says it is "Lite", as in relatively healthy.  I am not too sure of that, but it is good!

                                                        Courtesy of Everyday with Rachael Ray

Cooking is one of my favorite things to do and it takes my mind off of other things so I appreciate it even more!

In other news, hubby and I are going to dinner and to see Harry Potter tonight! 

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Great News . . . No not PG

We had a GREAT visit with the urologist today, other than the fact he was an hour and fifteen minutes late!

Before we get into any of the info, I have to include the pictures we took while waiting for him (we were bored and amused/frightened of these things).

This is what we first noticed, alot of unwrapped condoms!!!  We just kept trying to think of what in God's name those would be used for?????

We got our answer after more exploring . . . and boredom.

What that glove is covering is a rectal probe ultrasound thing.  DH was a little concerned, to say the least. 

Thank goodness they did not use it on him, but seeing that thing puts the vaginal ultrasound into perspective.

So back to the news of the appt.  The doctor was great!  He came in and started the appointment with saying you will be my easiest appt today!

We then went over the two semen analysis and Ray is above average in all categories (in a good way).  The doctor said there is no concern.  He explained that the viscosity should not prevent us from getting pregnant. 

He suggested Ray get his DNA Fragmentation tested, anyone else done this?  It is pretty easy, it's an at home kit where you swab your saliva and send it in.  It's about $150 and he said well worth, because if they find that it is, that will have a major impact on getting pregnant, even with an IUI.

We are also putting Ray on a 6 month supply of "male pre natal vitamins". 

So essentially the doctor told us we can keep trying on our own or try an IUI.  He said that based on what we have found from our testing (both mine and Ray's) there should be nothing stopping us from getting pregnant.  He also said he really thinks we should try awhile longer or do a couple of IUI's before doing lap.

So, for now, no new info!  We are just going to keep trying and decide on when we want to do IUI.

QUESTION- When is too early to POAS?  Is it bad if my willpower will only let me make it to 13dpo?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Going to see the Urologist Tomorrow

I am excited about moving to the next step of this process.  I want to see the results of both of DH's SA and talk to the doctor about what they mean.  My Dr. said he has high viscosity, but she isn't that aware of that term for SA.  I haven't found a ton of info on it either.  I also don't know how High it is and if it also had a high liquefaction time????

This time around, I don't know much of anything . . . I also don't know what to expect.  Is he going to run tests, tell Ray to take certain vitamins, tell us to go ahead and do IUI?

So here is my question for anyone reading this, what do you expect during a visit with a urologist and what questions should you ask?

This is what I have so far . . .
1. Can you please give me copies of the results of the SA?
2. What do the results mean in terms of increased difficulty in getting PG on our own?
3. What can we do to improve it?
4. What are the next steps?

Thanks for any advice you may give!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

My lack of willpower

We have had a nice few weeks of nothing on the IF front (in terms of tests or appointments).  But on Thursday we are going to the urologist.  I am excited about finding out more about DH's spermies.  There isn't all that much on information on high viscosity sperm.  The main things I have seen are that you just have to do an IUI or use Mucinex.

Yes, we did try Mucinex this cycle and we are in the 2ww.  I remember when this first started and I would hear the crazy things people had tried and thought, they are out of their minds.  Well I am now one of those people!!!! 

Mucinex is meant to thin out mucus in the body, so some forums online say their doctor recommended it?  I have no idea, but it can't hurt?

As for the 2ww, I have gotten calmer about this over the last 1.5 years and tried not to read into everything.  I typically have ALL of the symptoms of PMS (cramping, sore boobs, feisty attitude, fatigue, and emotional) so it is really reason to fall into the trap of thinking I am PG.  I have learned to ignore it. 

However, I have had one out of the ordinary symptom this cycle.  On CD 19 or 3dpo, I burst into tears at the dentist's office.  Like I said I can be emotional when PMSing, but I normally don't get emotional until a couple of days before my period, not this early.  And it was for no reason!  I don't like the dentist in general, I have "soft enamel" so no matter what I do, I always have cavities (emphasis on the multiple).  Anyways, I do hate the dentist, but not so much that I cry in public. 

I am not a crier (except at movies) and I NEVER cry in front of people (except Ray).  So the fact that I was crying over a cleaning is a little weird.  I was so upset, that I didn't even go back to work, I just took the day off.  And the hardest part about it all, was a coworker asked why I didn't come back and I just felt like I should be honest with her and tell her I broke down at the dentist's office and I still don't know why.  I asked her if she ever had that happen.  She said only once, when she was pregnant. 

Well there goes all of my willpower to not get my hopes up this go around.  I can probably POAS as early as Saturday, but I am going to try not to! 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Grateful

Well, after our whirlwind of IF testing and treatment in the last few weeks, we get a break.  This is not a break chosen by us, but I am grateful for it.  We are going to an excellent urologist, but he was totally booked up for four weeks.  Thus the wait.

During this time I am trying to gain perspective.  I am trying to step back and recognize how much I  have. 

I have an AMAZING husband, a super supportive family, great friends, a good job, a nice house, and furbabies.  Even before IF I would have to stop myself from always wanting more, not fully appreciating what I have.  Now it is a little harder to do, because I don't think it's unreasonable to want a child (whereas before I would want a bigger house, or more money for clothes shopping).

Either way I am taking the next week and a half to fully appreciate what I have, rather than worry about IF.

On a side note, I am so excited about the holidays coming up.  I love this time of year, spending time with family, lots of days off of work, and getting people "THE" perfect present!!!!!  I am actually all done with my shopping, except for my one brother (he's 15 so he changes his mind at least three times before he decides what he wants)!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

There are sooo many things to think about

So 1 step down and how many more decisions to balance?  My OPK says I am ovulating in 24 to 36 hours.  So I should be thankful that I ovulate on my own, but now I have to decide on BD times.

I have read you shouldn't do it more than once every other day, it decreases potency.  On the other hand I don't want to do it too late.

It is all so confusing.  I think I am going to tonight and then on Tuesday morning?  Any thoughts or other recommendations?

Also, I think I am going to watch Gulianna and Bill.  I have heard so many others appreciating what they are bringing to light with their IF journey (the struggles, IVF, and loss).

When Ray and I started this, we said we wouldn't do IVF.  There are too many things . . . cost, risk, drugs, and freezing babies implications.  Now this is not to say I judge others, I don't, I just don't know if it is right for us.  And it is not to say that if we are faced with IVF or nothing that we will stick to that decision, but that is where we are now.

Either way I think G&B would be insightful into the process and loss.  I have been fortunate enough to never miscarry.  I just can't imagine how you would overcome that, I all ready struggle with IF as it is, I can't think of the intense joy of getting pregnant and then the crazy low of losing that baby. 

The countdown to Ray's urologist appt begins, 11 days.  The only thing we are doing is he is taking Mucinex, which thins out mucus.  LisaB recommended this and so have a few others, so fingers crossed!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Finally a Weekend to Relax!

After a long stressful couple of weeks, hubby and I have decided to do nothing this weekend.  Well, I guess we planned one thing, going to watch my godson's football game.  He is six and his mom said it is total chaos, but lots of fun to watch.  So other than that, we will just be spending time together.

It will be nice to spend some quality time with just him!  I feel like I haven't been present (mentally speaking) the last couple of weeks.  I have been in my head thinking about things, reading blogs, or researching.  I am going to post this and then avoid all thoughts IF for the rest of the weekend!!!!! 

Let's see if I can actually do it!  Have a good weekend everyone!

Friday, November 5, 2010

Cook for a Cause

A Blogger, who I follow, just posted this on their blog and I wanted to do the same!  Check it out!

The Lost Stork Foundation is a new non-profit organization that is committed to helping infertile couples realize their dreams of parenthood through financial grants for adoption or fertility treatments. It was started by fellow blogger Meghan Swann! They are currently selling cookbooks to raise money for their first grant awards! Please stop by their website here to buy a cookbook or make a donation. They're only $10 each. Who knows, you or someone you know may benefit from their grants in the future! You can also help by spreading the word about the Lost Stork Foundation and its mission.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I hate bills, especially IF ones

Tonight was a rough one for me.  The last few weeks I have been getting bills randomly in the mail pertaining to our IF testing.  I guess that is the bad part about knocking some much out in a month. 

I did a lot of research about the HSG before I went and did it and found out, even if my insurance didn't cover it it would cost $638.  Not good, but something I decided I could handle.  Well I guess I did not plan for all of the other insanity they tack on to the bills.  The total came out to $1494!!!!  Are you kidding me?  I just starting crying immediately. 

I am not a cry er, this is not my typical reaction to anything (except as I am learning, IF).  I think part of it is because I can't control it or plan it, no matter how hard I try, but it is also because it seems so unfair.

There are so many people I know who have great insurance and can have a baby for less than this "surgery" is going to cost me.

Ray and I don't make a ton of money, and we work really hard to save it.  We live below our means so that we can save and prepare for the future.  However, we have spent just under $2400 since this began in late September.

I don't know if I can handle this.  I try to stay positive and maintain a good outlook.   I spend my time educating myself, rather than worrying or complaining (ok, so I do complain a little).  But my biggest concern is that this will damage my marriage. 

I can literally feel myself withdraw a little more every time we have a back-fire or get bad news or get a bill.  I can't handle my marriage suffering over this.  Ray is trying, but I think he struggles to understand this new version of me.  We have been together for just under 9 years, so he knows the normal me, but not the IF affected version of me.  I am going to have to make a point of not letting this impact us.

Has anyone else struggled with dealing with this, but not letting it affect your relationships?

Monday, November 1, 2010

A little more of our background

As promised, this is a little bit more detail of the steps we have taken so far.

Our first doctor's appt was with my OB.  I really like the practice, everyone is helpful and they have everything there, since it is attached to a hospital.  We just went in and talked.  She said it didn't sound like there were any obvious problems, or anything that she could immediately identify as a problem. 

She moves fast, by the end of that appt we had scheduled an HSG, a SA, and blood work and an u/s. 

The 1st thing was my HSG, I was really nervous because so many had said that this was a very painful procedure.  I took three Alleve before the procedure.  It was NOT painful, a little crampy and uncomfortable, but nothing bad.  Like I told the nurse, the most uncomfortable part of the whole thing was the INSANELY large pad they made me wear.  Hopefully this is not TMI, but I only wear thongs and did so that day, which left me with this huge pad that kept sticking to my jeans as I was walking.  I felt like I was walking like a duck!

The doctor was really nice and showed me all of the x-rays and said that the only problem was that there was an adhesion at the front of my uterus.  He said he was having a hard time getting to my uterus, so he could only imagine that it would be difficult for the sperm to as well.  He scraped that away and I left all good.

Four days later Ray did his analysis.  He is so wonderful, he didn't complain or even act weird about this.  I kept asking him, how do you feel about this (because I had heard about men who weren't open to this at all) and he kept saying this is so much less worse than what you have been having to go through.  He said if this is what it takes for us to have a baby then I can go do my business.  He did say he would not touch any of the magazines there!!!!!

Next I had my internal and external u/s.  She said everything looked ok.  I had my blood work at the same time.  This is when there was an issue, because I had just ovulated two days earlier and you aren't supposed to test for progesterone until 7dpo.  I went back a week and a half later and everything was fine.

Ray had to go have another SA done, because his viscosity came back high.  His second analysis came back with the same results.  We are going to a urologist on 11.18.10 and we will see from there.

I think we will have some big decisions to make at that point!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Let me introduce myself

After lurking for about 6 months I have decided to become more open about what we are experiencing.  I am 27 and my husband Ray is 30.  We were married about 3 and one half years ago and just wanted to have fun and travel for awhile.

In July 2009 we decided to start TTC.  I really didn't think it would take that long.  All of my friends got pregnant one try or two (and sometimes unplanned).  I was conceived on the first try and my brother was totally unplanned and she got pregnant with him when I was only 5 months old.

At first we were having fun with it, but didn't tell anyone, because we did not want the pressure.  I would get all of these symptoms during the 2ww, but now I realize that is just because I never paid attention to my body during that time period before.

After about 4 months in, I started to do research and POAS.  I found that I ovulated on CD15 and my cycle was between 29 and 31 days.

After about 8 months I wanted to plan (I am a HUGE planner, part of why I struggle with IF) our 1st appt with my OB to see what we needed to do.  I wanted to go in after 12 months and Ray wanted to wait until 15 months.  I had a total breakdown (which I don't do often, at least not before this) and we decided to go in at 13 months.

That was September 29th (and the day couldn't come fast enough) and since then we have had the following
-blood work (on me) good
-exam (on me) good
-u/s (on me) good
-more blood work (on me) not good, but more about that later
-an HSG (on me) good and it really didn't hurt that bad
-2 semen analysis (on Ray) not great

Ray's SA shows good on everything but he has high viscosity, meaning that his semen is too thick.  After about 20 minutes semen is supposed to become more watery and his stays very much like molasses.  Essentially this makes it hard for the sperm to swim and do its job.

BTW, the blood work of mine that was bad was actually fine.  My doctor said I wasn't ovulating due to low progesterone, but that is because she took my blood on CD18 when I ovulated on CD16.  So I went back and had it done on CD25 and we were fine.

In my next post I will give a little more back story as to these steps so far.

I am so glad to be able to put all of these thoughts and emotions somewhere, thanks for reading!